"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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