I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
