Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
