i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
