I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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