My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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