Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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