Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
