My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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