If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
