Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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