After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
