it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
