its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
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He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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