dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
