he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
