Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.