Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
