well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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