I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My cat gives me a boner
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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