i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize