You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
