Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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