I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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