My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
