I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
