I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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