In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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