That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
