haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
