the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
