I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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