dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
