Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
