Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
organizing the empties. That sober.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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