just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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