I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
