I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
