Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
