woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
