3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
