Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
