My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
