People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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