Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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