Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
