i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
