So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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