there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
