Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
