Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
