My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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