he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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