i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
