I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
