Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
