I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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