Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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