So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
