Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
