I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
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I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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