i wish my penis had a tongue
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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